Looks like the conservative list machine is cranking up again. Back a few months ago, we had David Horowitz’s hurriedly cobbled together book, The Professors: The
101 99 Roughly Eight Dozen Most Dangerous Academics hit the shelves, and a few people actually bought it. The book came out on the heels of Horowitz’s assembling such treacherous anti-Americans as Noam Chomsky, Katie Couric, and the guy who played Screech on Saved By The Bell into a network, which he termed “The Network,” of liberal traitors. Michelle Malkin wrote “Unhinged,” which despite the title is neither a work of autobiography nor a treatise on the condition of her jawbone but rather a compendium of dangerous liberals. Right Wing News publishes an annual list of the “Top twenty most annoying liberals,” among whose selections are such noted American liberals as Andrew Sullivan, “The Wellstone Memorial,” “The Mainstream Media’s Katrina Coverage,” and “MTV’s Rock The Vote.” Attempts to reach The Wellstone Memorial and The Mainstream Media’s Katrina Coverage for comment were unsuccessful.
And now, Lance Mannion reports that not even movies can escape scrutiny as to their liberality. Celebrity Politics has released a list of the top 100 liberal movies for right-minded conservatives to avoid seeing, which includes Throw Momma From The Train (a gross mischaracterization of the Bush administration’s attempted Social Security reforms) and Fried Green Tomatoes, which was deemed unfair to the racist and cannibal communities. A companion list, the top 100 Conservative movies, is headed by Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life, no doubt for its evocative portrayal of the illusory libertarian utopia of Potterville.
This is a fine development. For too long, our nation’s worry-makers have been unduly fixated on dangerous people who actually exist, and this recent move to extend our wariness to subversive fiction is long overdue. But it doesn’t go far enough. A film, or a novel or poem for that matter, is only as dangerous as its politically weakest character. And so, after several months of research involving consultation with a jury of distinguished academics, renowned journalis
tsm experts and customer service workers, some of whose suggestions may have inadvertently been misplaced by our small staff, we here at Creek Running North are proud to present:
The Top 25 Most Dangerous Fictional Unhinged Characters Who Are Dangerously Hurting America
(note: Any appearance that the number of characters may not actually total twenty-five is merely a quirk in the format of the list.)
Ellen James, the mutilated rape victim in John Irving’s The World According to Garp, inspired in that book a radical fringe group of feminists who cut out their tongues to symbolize both their commitment to the cause and the silencing of women by men. This caricature of a strawfeminist splinter, written by a misogynistic old straight man, has taken root on the net as radical feminists of various kinds are increasingly referred to as “Ellen Jamesians.” Thus James’ inclusion here.
We at Creek Running North recognize the unfairness in blaming a rape victim for the misrepresentations in real life of fictional groups acting in her name.
Of course, this sensitivity to the need for fairness to rape victims makes us Ellen Jamesians.
Vodka-Drinking Welfare Queen
Also known as Cadillac-driving Welfare Queen, occasionally seen in presence of her consort Stagger Lee. Best known, especially in the early 1980s, for her ability to generate the appearance of great wealth out of a $400 per month AFDC check. Singlehandedly ensured success of both David Stockman’s Reaganomics and Bill Clinton’s “Welfare Reform” movement a decade later.
The only fictional character ever to win a majority of votes in the Electoral College. After taking up residence in the feeble brain of the B-movie actor that played him in a conservative movie, this dead football player ran up what were at that point the largest federal deficits in history, cut and ran from a Middle Eastern country after the terrorists brought it on, facilitated the murders of thousands of Central American farmers, and sold weapons to Iran and Iraq simultaneously, some of which would later be used against US troops. Widely regarded as both the best and worst president in US history, and mainly for the same reasons. (The Gipper’s rank as “worst president ever” suffered setbacks in 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000, and 2004.)
Single-handedly influenced millions of American teenagers to hate their parents, fart in church, and curse. Introduced the word “phony” into American domestic discourse. Spawned legions of tedious fictional imitators from Dobie Gillis to Meg Griffin. Introduced the nation to angst as a teen pastime.
Also known as “Chief Bromden,” “Uncas,” or “Ed from Northern Exposure.” A character whose primary role is to provide reassurance that Americans have not inherited their ancestors’ responsibility for inhabiting stolen land, even if — as in the example of Tonto’s avatar “Chakotay” — that land is on another planet. Notable for never being portrayed by Wes Studi. Occasionally offers one-dimensional rebukes to our admitted cultural flaws in his avatar “Weeps at Litter.”
The Stepford Wife
Once a useful and constructive fictional character who served as a warning to a generation of feminists, the Stepford Wife has mutated into a virulent form on exposure to widespread cultural cynicism. Legions of identical women pushing identical strollers into identical SUVs to drive to identical houses use the Stepford Wife as a reassuring talisman to affirm their individuality: they, unlike her, leave the house each morning to go to their identical jobs.
So named because cutting fence or setting an insured Humvee on fire is exactly the same as piloting a plane into a building and killing thousands of people, and much worse than deliberately promoting fossil fuel use while blocking climate negotiations so that a major American city is utterly destroyed by storms. An invention of the PR industry, the Eco-Terrorist has sadly spawned clueless real-life imitators. Not to be confused with superficially similar fictional characters George Hayduke of The Monkey Wrench Gang or the kid Billy Mumy played in Bless the Beasts and Children.
McGruff the Crime Dog
He wants you to bite crime! A friendly, tongue-lolling face on a body politic that strongly resembles the White Citizens’ Councils. Who’s that suspicious bearded man running through your neighborhood late at night? Certainly not CRN’s editor getting some exercise: must be a terrorist. Call the police immediately if you see anything out of the ordinary! Not that I’m bitter or anything.
Also goes by the names “Girl Gone Wild”; “Dear Penthouse Forum I never thought this would happen to me”; “Black Widow”; “Sandra Bernhardt.” At her most benign, this fictional character shades imperceptibly into the utterly wholesome Sex-Positive Bisexual Feminist. At her most destructive, though, she promotes the notion that women’s sexuality is rooted (so to speak) in the pleasure of men, whether it’s in making love to women for a male audience or deriving pleasure from enticing hapless men into predatory situations.
President Josiah Bartlet
The Clintonistas’ pale flickering night light during the dark years of the Bush Empire, Jed Bartlet makes massive, Beltway-broker-sucking compromise look like speaking truth to power. Travels with retinue of allegedly idealistic, allegedly young alleged liberal activists who make up White House Staff and write liberal-sounding justifications for Nixonian policies. See “Cruise Missile Leftist.”
Another turncoat. Originally a symbol of resistance to English colonization by French North Americans (see Cruise Missile Leftist), Bunyan soon took a job with the US timber industry portraying clearcutting as a noble, heroic tradition. Promotes an image of idealized American masculinity as gigantic, strong, musclebound and silently oafish: see also John Henry, Pecos Bill, Mike Fink, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Included in list for historical perspective. Few still believe this character exists. Origins shrouded in mystery: is said to have sprung full-grown from a point of light. Once spotted throwing dimes to street urchins. This character was traditionally associated with a feast day held on December 25, until Congress declared flying reindeer exempt from provisions of the Migratory Bird Protection Act and the last nine were shot in error by a vice-presidential hunting party.
Smokey The Bear
Another character whose influence is ebbing, mainly due to the development of a greater understanding of forest fire ecology and the passage of laws banning cigarettes from San Francisco taverns. Taught generations of children that before leaving their campsite with its lean-tos made of five-hundred-year-old whitebark pine branches to shelter their all-terrain dirt bikes, they should carefully drown their campfires. Died of starvation in unburned forest with drastically reduced habitat value.
The Self-Made Man
The Horatio Alger hero, who pulled himself up by his own bootstraps (made by non-union cobblers) and strode the road to success (paved at government expense.) The Self-Made Man is often invoked by those whose blog ad revenue briefly peaks to a level just above the month’s rent and Dorito expenditures. Can neither cook a meal nor unclog a shower drain without help.
Like Smokey The Bear, Stagger Lee was once a non-fictional character, Lee Sheldon, a St. Louis resident who killed one William Lyon in a bar fight in 1895. Rapidly becoming a folkloric anti-hero to an oppressed African-American underclass, Sheldon’s name was altered into several regional variants as time passed (Stagger Lee, Stack O Lee, Stagolee, Huey Newton). A defiant symbol of violent manhood to African Americans of the time, Stagger Lee eventually mutated on contact with the white community into the present-day fictional character Bling-Wearing Scary Black Man, to whom frequent references on television punditry shows paved the way for increasingly draconian laws and an increase in prison construction.
This fictional character came on the North American scene early, as Cortez viewed with horror Aztec religious practices involving sacrifice of symbolic gods of love that manifest in human form — and the subsequent consumption of their flesh — and resolved to supplant that religion with with Roman Catholicism. Patron saint of orgasms and stubbed toes. Destructive influence on American society is widespread and massive. Often seen on television, lurking in front of churches, in moldy tortillas and sonograms. Do not approach. Extremely dangerous.